Relationships are everywhere, whether they are family, friends, girlfriend, boyfriend or even a secret crush. In a youth dominated internet era, the relationship building websites such as Facebook, MySpace and Me continue to prosper. With a few simple clicks instant access becomes available into millions of web surfers personal lives. Fortunately for us, due to the vast reach of the information age’s finest tool, our global internet, the number of people we can meet and get to know becomes endless.

We meet, we greet, and we choose who we know. Relationships come, Relationships go. Some real, some not so real. With those real relationships having the ability to touch and potentially affect our lives in ways we could never imagine. Relationships make up who we are, who we know, and eventually who we become. Relationships are our most valuable possession. Whether we admit it or not, we all acknowledge that we would seek and appreciate the true answer to the question “How real are your relationships?”

I have learned that not always is it possible to answer this above mentioned question so easily. Often it is hard to put our exact thoughts into words. This is why I believe relationship testing is so useful. It allows us to answer basic questions that we do not know the answers for. Professional relationship testing on the internet is few and far between. Other relationship testing sites that provide relationship advice in the form of testing usually charge users for insightful, useful, and applicable relationship advice. This site always make an effort to provide completely free relationship tests.

All of the relationship tests come with a three part response. The first part is a graphical layout of where you stand (based on your test score) versus other test takers in comparison to the optimal score for tests. The second part of the relationship test advice gives general relationship advice in paragraph form about the designated test topic. While the third section of relationship advice given is also in paragraph form and is specifically addressing you based on your score for the chosen test.

Even more importantly, not only does relationship testing provide a great way to learn about ourselves, but imagine if it was possible to learn the same things about someone else. Through the website you are able to send tests to your friends and see their results after they take a test. This feature is what separates this site from any other on the internet. I am in a relationship currently, and I was able to send my girlfriend some tests to see where she stood on a few issues. Some of the tests I sent her were: Are you satisfied with your relationship? Marriage Material? Is the relationship too physical? and my personal favorite Big Flirt? And because all of the test responses were so in-depth, I learned a lot about her. The send test feature was very useful and informative for me.

In closing I must say if anyone were ever given an opportunity learn about your boyfriend, learn about your girlfriend, strengthen your friendship, learn about love, learn about dating, or simply just have some fun, you should definitely visit this site. All of the advice you receive is professionally backed by an assembled team of relationship experts. The relationship expert team consists of doctors, counselors, psychologists, and/or love coaches. All of which are dedicated to bettering relationships of many kinds, whether family, friends, dating or marriage.

I hope the best for you in your endeavors. Never forget to seek help in resources greater than yourself, for this is when the real personal growth begins.

Those early days in a relationship are the uncomplicated ones when everything about your partner is seen through rose decorated glasses and any temperamental shortcomings are ignored in favor of those lovable features that make everything look so perfect. While doing so, we conveniently forget that it takes pains to make a long term relationship work and in the end we head towards one ultimate relationship disaster. And this is when you need to think about relationship rescue, which till date was one of the most alien concepts to you.

Relationships are intricate, and the guiding rules keep changing. It is really hard to keep up as people change, times change and situations change. When your relationship starts turning bad to worse, it doesn?t mean that you no longer love each other or it doesn?t mean that you can?t correct problems. But it does mean that you will have to reconsider some issues, and to hear to that advanced warning you got to drop the smugness, and to rescue the relationship before it?s too late.

If you consider that relationship rescue is difficult, you are wrong. Relationship rescue, in many cases isn?t too hard. Most of the relationships usually react well within a little time and effort, some understanding, a little give and take and reassurance. One can often you can trace the initial breakdown in a relationship back to lack of communication, so in looking at what you need to do to rescue a relationship communication is generally the first part of call. When you consider the consequences, the main causes why someone goes in search of guidance for their failing relationship, to rescue it and save it from final break up, most things can be traced back to prove that communication failure was the root cause.

Even unfaithfulness between partners, such as infidelity can be traced back to a communication gaps. People can spend a lot of time being unhappy in their relationship and pleading for things to get sorted out, whereas, from the other partner?s point of view everything appears alright. A general question arises as how it could happen? How can one partner so obviously see that something is wrong and the other carry on regardless, seemingly happy in the awareness that their relationship is without a flaw? At the end of the day relationships can be minefields, especially if you take your eye off the ball and most relationships struggle at some point, but the majority can be rescued if at least one of the partners recognizes there is a problem and takes action.

Relationships, especially the pong term ones, need to be esteemed, cherished and cared for. At the same time partners have to understand that relationships rarely survive without a effort to keep them alive. Relationships need intimacy, surprises, and that all too forgotten relationship time. Just because people live together it doesn?t mean to say the relationship no longer requires attention and that the partners no longer need to feel special.

There are unlimited personal reasons for people being in relationships. They are called relationships because you physically demonstrate who and what you are in relationship with another. In other words your relationships define you and your personal thoughts and beliefs about yourself, your environment and your circumstances in the moment.

No matter what you may think, say or how you may protest this statement; how you act demonstrates your thoughts in the moment. What you think always manifests itself physically and is somehow demonstrated.

A couple came into the restaurant and sat down two tables in front of me. The man with paper in hand immediately opened it up and started reading to himself with little more than a couple of words to his partner. During the time they were in my focus, the man continued to read while the woman starred off into space, and every once in awhile she would say something, and he would answer. Admittedly I am judging here, but his words were more to acknowledge her words than her existence.

This is not the real value in a relationship. Evolution, involvement are the natural mechanics of personal growth. If it is the nature of all living things to evolve or better themselves, then they do that in relationship to another, and their environment. A close personal relationship is the greatest opportunity for mankind to demonstrate his/her growth. In the moment when one has prioritized his choices to the newspaper over the relationship, he is short-changing his growth if he does not include his partner. The relationship is demonstrated physically as him reading the newspaper over engaging his partner. He has prioritized his choice no matter how he may object to this statement and actions speak stronger than words.

There are underlying developments that we can’t see in this relationship. It may be a continuing opportunity for both partners to believe either consciously or subconsciously, that their relationship has become mundane, boring, or indifferent. It may add to a growing feeling that the relationship has died, and it can be a long term buildup to an appropriate action by either one.

Partnerships may be relationships of convenience were there is growth outside the relationship, and clearly this is a physical demonstration of how the partners are using the relationship. It’s a place to park the car, but all the action is outside the parking lot with minimal movement in the space.

Longevity is no measure of a good or poor relationship, and it is also a demonstration of the thoughts one has about themselves, acted out in the current relationship.

There is nothing right or wrong about these kinds of relationships and they exist all around us for purpose – the purpose of each individual. However, if there is no personal growth coming from the relationship then at its best, you are just keeping up appearances. If you understand the nature of spirit and its desire to evolve in its physical experiences, then does it make any sense to stop growing, to become lazy and indifferent about your life? The true nature of “life” is “movement” the words are interchangeable.

Relationships are gifts, they are opportunities to declare yourself, and that is all that life desires – is a declaration of existence. The only true assertion that humanity can make to the universe is that “I Am” and everything thing else that follows is a lie or an imagined experience.

If a man unexpectedly appeared on the planet in a remote part of the world where no one else visited, all he could really say about himself is that he is here. If a women suddenly appeared next to him, then he could then start declaring himself as this or that in relationship to the women, her values or beliefs, her mannerisms, her physical attributes and all things female and human. He would identify himself then as either the same or different from her. It is she, who gives him life, meaning and his sexual difference as male or female. This would be the same no matter what the sexual orientation or attributes. Humanity always creates itself in relationship to each other.

I personally don’t like how most couples interact with each other, whether it is aggressive or passive aggressive. I believe that if one has love and respect for oneself he/she will seek to find that and return it to others. He will also seek relationships that are based on personal growth rather than convenience. If she is in contact with the love that she truly is, she will also remove herself from relationships where there is little possibility of growth – love empowers whether self love or the love of another.

This article is not about reading the morning paper. I didn’t mention that while I was focused on the couple sitting together but apart, a second couple came into the restaurant and sat down between myself and the couple. I noticed something about the new couple; the woman was reading a newspaper and so I thought wow, this is the reverse; interesting. I then noticed that the man also had a newspaper and both of them were enjoying their read. Every few moments one would look up at the other and make a comment about what they were reading.

It would be unfair of me to say that this particular couple had a maturing and supportive relationship and the other couple didn’t. However, at that moment they were expressing what I would consider respect, a meaningful exchange, and the honouring of each other’s presence.

Are you missing out in your relationship? It is a mirror or reflection of how you are feeling about yourself in the moment you are thinking about him/her. How you interact or react to her, really expresses the thoughts you have about yourself. He/she is the greatest gift that can come your way. It is an opportunity to say; I am alive, this is who I am, and this is how I demonstrate or express it.

A relationship is a lot like running a marathon. There are highs and lows, challenges and rewards, and times when you may want to give up–when it feels too difficult to continue. What will keep you on track and moving forward when your relationship hits the inevitable rough patch? Will love be enough?

Commitment: Your relationship lifeline

Commitment is a belief in relationship permanence and the understanding that at times your union will need a life-jacket to stay afloat.

When you and your partner are committed to the relationship, the union remains more important then your (and your partner’s) individual needs. Without mutual commitment, deep trust will never take root and intimacy will wither. When one person’s commitment is tenuous, the very fabric of the relationship is weakened. A lack of commitment reduces the buffer that holds relationships together during times of conflict and stress. Imagine living with the fear that periodic slumps in your relationship can cause your partner to bail.

Trust and deep intimacy will only grow in the soil of commitment

Commitment has a dual role in your relationship. You can view commitment as the vehicle to help deepen your love, and you can also view it as a safety net of sorts, a way to protect your marriage or relationship during the difficult periods that each and every relationship experiences.

Commitment allows love and intimacy to mature over time. Someone who ends a relationship because the excitement of new love has diminished misses out on the opportunities that relationships bring for individual and mutual growth.

Some erroneously believe that a commitment like “till death do us part” means foolishly locking yourself into a life-time of potential unhappiness. No one should commit to a relationship that cannot meet their needs. Your needs (and your partner’s needs) do matter and should be part of the overall commitment equation. But life and relationships are complicated, and there will be stretches of time when your partner does not meet your needs (and you will not meet your partner’s needs). Commitment is what will get you through those rough stretches, enabling each of you to get back on track in meeting each other’s needs once again.

All couples (married and unmarried) face an enormous challenge: How to stay devoted to one another throughout the life of your relationship, even when early enthusiasm and euphoria naturally wane.

Commitment is a very personal process. Unfortunately, for some it will mean blind dedication to a union that rarely meets their needs; while others eschew commitment and impulsively use the ebb and flow of happiness as the gauge whether to stay or leave. Both of these approaches are flawed. Ideally, commitment will remain in place as happiness comes and goes and your relationship finds its footing along life’s shifting terrain.

Commitment checklist:

Commit to ________:

?understanding that love grows and deepens over a lifetime

?acknowledging that all relationships go through ups and downs

?continuously working toward a meaningful relationship that will transcend momentary happiness

?working through problems with your partner (while resisting the temptation to get your needs met outside of the relationship)

?finding solutions that will keep your relationship moving forward

?compromising (even when you think you’re right)

?yourself and the relationship

Don’t commit to ________:

?anything that feels abusive

?always sacrificing what’s most important to you

?the idea that if your relationship requires hard work it means your relationship is flawed

?the mindset that it’s acceptable for your needs to continuously go unmet

One of the greatest challenges to commitment lies in the instant-gratification mindset–the idea that you deserve to have what you want when you want it. The settings to our pleasure barometer have been altered and humans are less willing to deal with frustrating circumstances or anything that feels like it stands in the way of immediate happiness. This poses a problem for relationships.

When you make decisions about your relationship based solely on the need to feel happy (all the time), you abandon commitment and the rich opportunities that are essential for your relationship to grow.

I invite you to think about what commitment means to you. What you are committing to in your marriage or relationship?

To discover many practical tips for a stronger relationship, visit Dr. Nicastro?s website at http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for his FREE monthly newsletter. You will also immediately receive two free reports that can help you build the relationship of your dreams.

Soul Connections

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

-Herman Melville

Starting to get information on soul agreements led me to continue to explore the concept of relationships on another level and from another perspective. I next began to explore various types of soul connections. Now, the soul connection that we are generally the most familiar with – and desirous of – is the soul mate connection. It is certainly considered to be the most sought-after one, and a relationship with our soul mate is one of the major things in life that many of us yearn for and actively seek. For some, it can be a lifelong pursuit. Indeed, we tend to place so much value on the soul mate connection that we are often unaware of the existence of other types of soul connections that we may have with those whom we may know fairly closely. However, other types of soul connections do exist, at least from the information I have received. So before we discuss soul mate relationships in more detail, let’s look at some other types of soul connections.

At present when I look at relationships in sessions, whether romantic or those with friends, family, work colleagues, children, or others, I will look not just at the energy dynamics or the resonating issues or lessons or soul agreements involved, but also at what the overall soul connections may be. I do this because I have learned that understanding what soul connections there may be on the soul level can give us additional insight into our relationships and their dynamics, as well as into why a relationship may have a certain feel to it or represent a certain type of challenge. I have thus far seen many different types of soul connections and combinations thereof and have been able to sense how they can color the nature of what one experiences in his/her interactions with others.

One type of soul connection I get quite commonly is that the people involved, usually in some type of close relationship, are from the same soul group or same soul family. Although I can not yet completely delineate conceptually what that means in the greater scheme of things, I intimate that the souls in a soul group or soul family may have been created as souls at the same time or in a group (although, given the nonexistence of time on the highest levels, I’m not sure that this makes complete sense) and that these souls thus share a “kinship” not unlike families here on earth. Being from the same soul group or same soul family may contribute to an underlying feeling of closeness between people or to a sense of coming from the same place, a feeling of kinship that can’t be explained by other, more superficial characteristics (family connection here, or race, or background). For some reason that I do not yet comprehend, every time I get a soul group or soul family connection, I always get a visual impression of the numerous souls in the group or family arranged in a circle next to each other. Although I feel that there is some significant meaning attached to this geometric “being in a circle” configuration, I do not yet know what that meaning may be.

I have also, thus far on only rare occasions, seen a variation on this connection of same soul group or soul family. In this variation, I have sensed that two people came from different soul groups or families, but that their souls are so similar that they are like distant unrelated cousins or two expressions of the same complex vibration. Up to this point in time, I have only seen this type of connection in souls that have some sort of inherent and greater than normal complexity, greatness, or potential for it here on earth. It’s as if their uniqueness or rareness meant that there were very few other souls who had a similarity. I’m still in the process of understanding this concept completely and will probably only begin to do so when I encounter more instances of it.

There are other, more common soul connections. Most of these are experienced and expressed in familial terms. I have sensed many soul connections that were those of siblings, whether brother and sister or sisters or brothers. I’ve seen parent to child and even uncle to niece or nephew and cousins. Other soul connections may be more non-familial. A very common non-familial one will be that of teacher or mentor and student. I have also seen soul connections that were those of colleagues, sometimes expressed in a positive and cordial manner and at other times, in a negative or antagonistic manner.

I am still not completely sure what causes or contributes to the particular type of soul connections. The connection of being from the same soul group or same soul family appears to be an inherent connection, coming from the “moment” of creation of souls, as mentioned above. Other types of soul connections, such as those of siblings or teacher/student, feel like they may have been forged through various lifetimes. Indeed, I’ve seen instances in which the soul connection between two people was varied, due to the different roles they had played with each other in different lifetimes; they were (or had been) brother and sister (in one lifetime), but also colleagues (in another lifetime), for example, and others who were (or had been) spouses to each other, as well as parent and child. (These varied soul connections, interestingly enough, will often be felt in the relationship of those involved, so that there is a mixed quality that they feel in their connection or an overlay of different attributes.) Sometimes these soul connections will have an added dimension of hierarchy, in that one of the two people (or souls) has traditionally been the “senior” one or the one with more clout or power.

Interestingly, these flavors in soul connections may change over time. For instance, two souls whose overall connection may have been parent-child, with one always having had power over the other, may find that their connection equalizes over time or even in the space of one lifetime, so that the sense of hierarchy evaporates.

These various types of soul connections will flavor what we experience in our relationships with others and often in a subtle manner. We may feel a particular closeness to a friend, for example, and then learn that our soul connection is that of sisters or brothers. This factor of soul connections helps to explain why we may be feeling some sort of connection with certain people that can’t be explained simply by the present connection or nature of the interaction, or why we may be feeling a certain quality in the relationship that has inherently been there from the very beginning; in other words, why we’ve had a specific feeling from the moment we met someone who has later become a friend that she has always felt like a sister, for example, or even a rival. (It can be very perplexing at times to have a conflicting mixture of qualities in these connections. For example, I’ve known clients who were stymied in trying to understand why a person who was ostensibly a friend somehow also subtly felt like a rival or competitor. Once the soul connections were explored and unraveled, the mixed quality of the relationship made more sense.)

In contrast to connections that may remain somewhat consistent, I will also see, as I mentioned, combinations of these types of connections. For instance, two people may be from the same soul group or same soul family and also be brother and sister or cousins or teacher and student.

The types of soul connections I’ve mentioned tend to be between those we know and interact with over and over again in different lifetimes. This continual interaction over different lifetimes tends to forge a sense of connection that is generally stronger than that which would be felt from interaction in perhaps just one lifetime. This soul “familiarity” may also enable us to feel somewhat safer working out some of our stuff in the framework of a learning relationship that is based on these close connections.

Soul agreements may be made both with people with whom we have soul connections, as well as with others to whom we feel no deep connection. And we may have both pleasant and unpleasant soul agreements from one lifetime to the next with those with whom we have soul connections. The variety and combinations appear to be limitless. Certainly if a person we’re interacting with closely comes from our same soul group and is also someone with whom we’ve had both pleasant and unpleasant soul agreements, we may therefore experience mixed feelings about that person, while at the same time feeling a strong connection with him/her. And, similarly, having a same soul family connection with someone with whom we’ve had problematic or antagonistic soul agreements may help to take the sting out of the overall connection or absolve the more problematic flavor.

Understanding what some of the soul connections and/or soul agreements may be operating in the background, so to speak, between people in relationships can enable us to begin to understand why certain mixed feelings may exist in different relationships and how we can best handle the relationship or interact in it. Interestingly, I have seen several cases in which two people had a general soul agreement to always come together in different types of relationships in order to stimulate each other’s growth, without any residual blame or “hard feelings.” (It’s almost as if there were an agreement to have a built-in “eraser” to eradicate any of the residual mutual bitterness that any of their difficult relationships might engender.) The potential is endless for the variety and types of combinations of connections and agreements we may have with other souls, including what the residual effects may be.

We will usually experience a deeper feeling of connection to someone with whom we have a strong soul connection and, concomitantly, less so to someone with whom we may have a one-time soul agreement. This may explain why we feel an instant connection to or bond with someone we meet or an instantaneous sense of familiarity — that feeling that somehow we know this person we’re meeting ostensibly for the first time. Interestingly, it will often happen that we will meet someone for the first time and feel a very strong soul connection — and then, over time, as we continue to get to know and interact with this person in real time, experience the feeling of the soul connection subside, while the present connection takes precedence.

The soul connections that can encompass diverse types of connections can really complicate some of our relationships. For example, I’ve read clients whose soul connection to one of their children was that of student. In other words, the child was their teacher (over and above the usual way in which one’s children can teach one lessons). This adds another element to the usual relationship of parent-child, with the parent trying to be the wiser and nurturing one!

On the other hand, a combination of soul connections can also add a richness and texture to some relationships that might not otherwise have been there.

Such soul connections generally underlie our relationships with those with whom we interact closely, for example family, friends, co-workers — not to mention romantic relationships. I’ve seen clients who’ve had wonderful relationships with their bosses or supervisors — only for me to find a positive soul connection with the boss as benevolent mentor in previous lifetimes. Conversely, I’ve also seen some difficult work relationships, only to discover an overriding soul connection of antagonism or unpleasant rivalry. I’ve even seen instances of two people whose connection was that of always and consistently being rivals or competing with each other. This is apparently the means that they have chosen on another level to consistently stimulate each other’s growth, which, again, may tend to remove any bitterness.

Soul connections like these can also be confusing in romantic relationships. We will sometimes meet someone with whom we feel a strong soul connection and interpret that to mean that, because there’s a strong soul connection, we’re supposed to be together as romantic partners, whereas the actual soul connection may just be that of being from the same soul group or same soul family. I’ve seen clients who were strongly motivated to be in a particular relationship because they had felt a strong soul connection from the outset with the other person and for this reason thought they were supposed to be together. All the more reason why it’s helpful to know what type of soul connection it may be.

On the other hand, it can also happen that we may sense an initial aversion to someone we meet, just because of an unpleasant soul connection — and this sense of aversion may shift over time as we interact with and get to know the person in the here and now for their present persona and essence. I’ve seen one case in which a client had a strong initial dislike for someone with whom he later became romantically involved. As his initial dislike mutated into a romantic interest, he found himself having dreams of the other person, in which he felt that he was exploring his past life connections with her. In every case, he dreamed of her abusing him in various ways. Interestingly, the present relationship between the two of them was somewhat dysfunctional, but was also a strong learning relationship as well. He ended up learning strong lessons from this relationship that stimulated his personal growth. In this particular case, his initial feeling of aversion was indicative of a difficult soul connection and a foreshadowing of painful interactions. However, he was able to mine great jewels from the experience, even though the other person was not his soul mate.

“Love alone

can unite living beings

so as to complete and fulfill them,

for it alone joins them by what is deepest in themselves.”

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Of all the themes of literature written over the ages, love has probably served as the perennially dominant theme. When many of us contemplate that blissful condition of romantic love, our minds turn to the prospect of a soul mate, that perfect partner who mirrors or complements us perfectly?and we aspire to be in a soul-mated relationship. What is the “soul mate” connection? How do we find our soul mate?

First of all, I’m not sure that there is only one answer to either question. As I have looked at soul mate relationships, I have gotten widely divergent information as to the feel of the relationship. One consistent characteristic I have gotten with many soul mate relationships is a strong sense of partnering, whether in the work they were doing together or in a general sense of their being partners in life. Another quality I have gotten is comfortableness, two people feeling very at ease with each other.

Often I get that the relationship itself is easy—that it doesn’t have to be continually worked at. I have also seen soul mate relationships in which the partners feel completely understood by each other. Some soul mates really spark and stimulate each other’s energy, so that they both feel “charged up” and activated. I’ve also gotten with some soul mates that they “have danced together before.” The phrase “dancing together” appears to be a metaphor for how their souls interact, as there’s always the sense of a higher and quite beautiful connection.

Another phrase I’ve gotten is “children in the garden.” This phrase always conveys a beautiful quality to the connection, as if it was the innocence deep within them that resonated, so that there was a very pure quality to their connection. Hence, two “children in the garden” in a very pure and innocent state of relating to each other, protected by their innocence and unsullied prior to any “fall”? often creating their own lovely, untarnished world together.

In still others, there’s a sense of feeling more complete when together, as if their energies had something similar with which to resonate or the deepest parts of their essences could now be expressed, understood, and welcomed by the other. I have also seen an equality of energies in many soul mate connections.

In many relationships there is a hierarchy, whether expressed through power in the dynamics of the relationship or whether denoting a higher level of personal development. In many soul mate relationships, however, there is equality both in interaction and in personal development, with no question of one person wielding more power over the other. And, as mentioned above, the two partners may be stimulating each other’s growth, but the sense of partnering outweighs and transcends any difficulty stemming from a learning aspect.

On a soul level, I have gotten various expressions of connectedness ?from soul mates who felt like twins, to two halves of the same whole. I’ve seen others who complement each other’s energies completely. I’ve seen still others whose connection feels vertical and high, as if they fit together completely on several levels. In some, there is a feeling of huge energy together and in others, a complete fit.

One consistent theme is that of complete resonance, but not a resonance of the inauthentic stuff. Instead, it is a resonance of each one’s essence, the true selves resonating harmoniously and completely. This attribute has implications for how we find our soul mate.

I have seen some consistent things with regard to finding one’s partner. The first has to do with lessons learned through learning relationships. You’ll recall that learning relationships are those that teach us lessons in growth. One lesson from learning relationships I’ve seen consistently has to do with discernment ? in knowing what we want in a relationship and in our partner (separate from any superficial considerations of appearance, income, etc.) — e.g., how we want to feel in a relationship and what internal qualities we want the other person to have. Conversely, this discernment also allows us to know what we don’t want, whether external habits (substance abuse or inconsideration, for example) or internal attributes (e.g., emotionally closed off or self-absorbed). Difficult learning relationships can often — and sometimes rather emphatically — teach us what we don’t want in a partner.

So discernment can be an important factor in finding a soul mate; until we are clear about what we want and do not want, we will usually settle for what presents itself.

I have seen instances of people wanting to be in a relationship so badly that when they met someone they were attracted to, they disregarded the problematic qualities of the person or the problem areas of the relationship. Wanting badly to be in a relationship can lead us to be in a state of denial about any red flags we see – those undesirable or inappropriate qualities of the object of our affections. As a result, the relationship will often not be terribly pleasant. However, it may simply be a necessary learning relationship, to teach us about discernment or finding peace and fulfillment in being alone.

The advantage of going through a series of such learning relationships is that we’ll often get to the point where we’re so burned out from the relationship problems that we’ll resolve not to get into another one unless it feels totally right. This enables us to move past our “relationship at any cost” stance to the more desirable position of knowing what we want — and what we don’t want. Thus, these lessons in discernment move us closer to being ready to connect with our true partner with whom we can truly and purely resonate, while we also strengthen enough in ourselves to find the peace and ease in being alone when need be.

I have gotten the information consistently that some clients will be ready for their true partner only after they have recognized, claimed, and embraced their true selves. We’ve all heard the maxim that “you can’t really love someone else until you learn to love yourself.” Put another way, we can’t be truly open to someone else until we’re completely open to ourselves. And this is often a prerequisite to being able to belong with our soul mate. Our soul mate often appears for some of us only after we have cleared some of our stuff and are more in touch with what our true essence is.

For others, the prerequisite to finding their soul mate may lie in external, rather than internal, change, in that their true partner may appear when they cease trying to do what others expect of them and start living their lives in a way that reflects who they really are and what they really want. I will often see this latter aspect expressed in the area of work or career. For these people it is frequently only after they have allowed themselves to do work that expresses both who they are and what their interests are that their soul mate appears. One of the reasons this is so is that even if they know who they truly are but are doing work that doesn’t express their true self, they are still living somewhat inauthentically. The soul mate often appears when their lives are more authentic and reflective of true self. In addition, expressing who we are through our activities can have the effect of strengthening us even further in who we innately are. This said, however, it is not always true that we must find a career completely resonant with our essence in order to find our soul mate.

I’ve seen cases in which the true soul mate appears before some of the primary inauthentic stuff is cleared — and I’ve seen two ways in which the client and relationship are affected as a result. I’ve seen some lovely situations in which the soul mate relationship was so positive, supportive, and healing that it actually served to stimulate the healing of one person’s emotional stuff (e.g., low self-esteem). In these instances, clearing the inauthentic stuff was not a prerequisite for finding the soul mate.

I’ve also seen clients who had found their partners, but the relationships were not going well or there were blocks to their being together, because one or both people had stuff to work through before the relationship could succeed, or even before they could be together. If there is a large amount of inauthentic “stuff” on the part of one of the partners that hasn’t yet been cleared, it may serve as an impediment to the relationship moving forward — even if the two are soul mates — and/or there may be problems in the relationship.

I’ve seen several cases of soul mates who were not yet together because one or both had personal issues to work on, and, interestingly, it is frequently the man who had issues to clear. This is perhaps so because of the general disparity between where men and women are in their lives and in clearing their inauthentic stuff. Because of the women’s movement, women have, generally speaking, worked on some of their stuff in the past twenty to thirty years — empowering themselves, becoming aware of and clearing their stuff, and becoming overall clearer in their vision. Men, in contrast, have largely not done as much personal work on themselves. This has created a real disparity between where men and women are on their respective paths. This disparity in growth has bled through to the area of romantic relationships. Fortunately, the fairly recent phenomenon of the men’s movement has started the process for men to begin to catch up.

Interestingly, I’ve also learned that we may often have an energetic rapprochement on some level before someone very significant comes into our lives. Not infrequently before two partners meet, they may communicate with each other on some level, whether consciously or unconsciously. I’ve known clients who started dreaming of their partners prior to their actually meeting physically. And I’ve known other clients who didn’t just dream of their partner, but were communicating with their partner in the dream state prior to meeting.

Two people who are strongly and closely connected, especially soul mates, will often start to move into each other’s energy fields before physically meeting. This will often happen shortly before they. Intuitives who can see or sense the aura or energy field will often pick up on this and see or sense the other person’s presence there.

A very little-known manifestation of this will be communication on the sexual level prior to two soul mates physically meeting. This can be experienced as strong and rather intense sexual feelings, coming seemingly out of the blue with either a sense of urgency or a sense that they’re coming from someone else “out there.” Time and distance are no impediments to this happening and the two soul mates could be states or continents apart. This sexual communication will often be experienced as a precursor to the people directly communicating or even knowing that the other person actually exists. This is a very real phenomenon — and often perplexing to experience if you haven’t already heard about the possibility of such things occurring.

This preknowledge of the soul mate or significant partner coming in, whether in dreams, telepathy, or sexual communication, would appear to happen outside of our conscious volition. It may be initiated on other levels of our consciousness or may be the universe trying awaken us to the possibility, perhaps as preparation for actually meeting and interacting with our soul mate. I sometimes smile and consider “Cupid’s arrow” as causing the sexual communication, as it happens without either person trying to initiate it and would appear to be initiated by an outside agent. On the other hand, interestingly enough, this sexual phenomenon does not necessarily imply that the two people are indeed soul mates or are meant to be together either in person or throughout their lives. These phenomena may be heralding the arrival in our lives of someone who will simply affect us deeply for our own unfolding process.

There are other ways in which we may have knowledge aforehand, frequently quite unconsciously, of our soul mate, often expressed as foreknowledge of the attributes our soul mate will have, of the situation we’ll encounter with him/her, etc. We may find ourselves consistently drawn to various people who may all have one particular attribute in common; for instance, we may find ourselves in a pattern of being drawn to writers over and over again. Whereas patterns in our relationships may often signal an unhealthy pattern, herald issues we need to work on in ourselves, or simply represent a familiar pattern from childhood, this is not always the case. We may be continually attracted to writers, for example, because we’ve always had an unconscious intuitive awareness that our soul mate would be a writer.

Some people have an unconscious awareness of what their soul mate will be like or what situation may surround their relationship. This unconscious awareness can exist, I feel, because we choose our lives before we come into them. Although we tend to have a general amnesia about what we are to encounter and experience (so that we may indeed go through learning and growing experiences freshly), some people will retain some artifacts of awareness, on the unconscious level, of what the script for their lives will be — a scene, for example, or a face, a characteristic, or a career that will be connected to their soul mate.

We may feel that a soul mate relationship must feel a certain way. Interestingly, however, people who find their soul mates will often have varying subjective experiences of what the connection feels like. In some relationships people may feel more whole, engaged, or truly alive.

I have also gotten information about soul mate connections counter to what I had previously thought was true. I used to feel that we have only one soul mate and that this was the person we have been with from one lifetime to the next as our soul mate. What I have seen instead is that there are often several possible soul mates in existence and that we may be with one in some lifetimes and with others in other lifetimes.

Many times, putting yourself back into the dating scene is a good idea. But how can you know when it is time to start a new relationship?

Here are some questions to ponder:

1. Are you fully over your last relationship, or do you still have hope of reconciliation?

If you still fantasize about getting back with your partner, then you are not truly available for another relationship. Is there really a possibility of reconciliation, or are you making up the possibility? If there really is a possibility, then it is certainly not time to date. If the relationship is really over, then you need to fully accept this before moving on to another relationship. As long as you are in denial about the relationship being over, you are not fully available for another relationship.

2. If your partner has died, do you feel ready for a new relationship?

If you had a loving relationship with your deceased partner, then any time you feel ready is fine. You already know how to have a good relationship, so there is a good chance of having another good relationship when you feel ready for it.

3. Have you fully explored your part of why your relationship ended?

When a relationship goes on the rocks, it is because each partner is contributing to the problems. It is always fairly easy to see what the other person did that caused problems, but much harder to see what you did.

It may be necessary for you to have therapeutic help in understanding your end of the relationship issues. I have been working with individuals and couples for 40 years and I have seen that people tend to repeat the same patterns in relationships over and over unless they do some healing work. Even if, at the beginning, a new relationship looks different from your other relationships, there is a good possibility that it will end up the same.

Most relationships create a system with one person being a caretaker and the other being a taker. These roles can switch in different relationships and around different issues. Unless you heal your tendencies to be a caretaker or a taker, you will continue to create relationship systems that don’t work.

Underneath all relationship dysfunction are control issues. Whether you control with anger, righteousness, blame, judgment, compliance, resistance, or withdrawal of love, until you heal the fear underlying all controlling behavior, you will continue to create relationship problems.

This does not mean that these issues need to be healed before starting a new relationship, but it does mean is that you need to be in the process of healing to have a chance at a good relationship.

4. Do you feel available for a new relationship?

Most people have two bottom-line fears when it comes to relationships: the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment, which means the fear of losing the other or the fear of losing yourself. These are deep fears that start in childhood and may continue throughout your life, making it difficult for you to be fully emotionally available in a relationship.

These fears do not just go away. Until you develop a powerful loving adult self, you may take rejection personally and not know how to handle loss. Without a strong loving inner adult, you may allow others to control you, giving yourself up to prevent rejection.

Again, these fears do not need to be healed before starting a relationship, but unless you are in the process of healing them and continue to do healing work within a relationship, there is a good chance that you will recreate another unsuccessful relationship.

A relationship is a wonderful arena for healing and growth when both people are devoted to learning to be a strong loving adult. If you are on a devoted healing and learning path, make sure that your new partner is too!